Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.