wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack