yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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