I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The Olympian is in my bed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
