we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
