I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
