Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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