you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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