That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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