I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
