I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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