I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
