Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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