i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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