Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
