Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
