my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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