WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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