That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
