:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
