nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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