there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
