please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
