P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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