Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
