those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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