Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
