i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
