I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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