I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
