Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
