officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
