I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
