I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
