i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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