Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
