just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My breasts were aching with rage.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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