Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
