His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
