Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
