I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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