hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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