Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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