i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
