I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
