Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
