You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
