Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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