I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
