I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
