keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
