just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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