the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
