is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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